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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Boobies of Fortune
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week: Outgrowing Mynx, foresaking all others, finding a chick to listen to you bitch, paying to get your groove on, and virginity specifics. Rump rump rump!

 

  Has He Outgrown ME?!

Back in high school (Actually last year), I read your column regularly... I mean what teen-age boy wouldn't! However as I grow older (I turn 19 this month) I notice that I don't take as much interest in reading about other guys sexual dysfunction and its relations to quake. Am _I_ The sexually dysfunctional one for not getting my jollies off reading your column? *Although I did think that whole LAN-Party Orgy story was interesting* Perhaps this is some sort of Freudian thing for meaning I want to kiss goats... So have I grown up? Or gone insane?

You don't want to kiss goats. No, it is more serious than that: dogs. But, I won't go into that, as your taste in lovers is not the real issue here. The real issue is your disillusionment. What has happened to you over the last year that has caused you to lose sight of your sense of humor? Stop being so uptight. You're so uptight we couldn't pull a needle out of your butt with a tractor! Live a little! Get out your astroglide, oil up, and read the rest of the column. You'll LIKE it!

 

  Twue Love

I've never been shy in any sense of the word and i've never had too much trouble talking to girls. Well anyways, I actually started going out w/ a girl which was sort of odd for me as I had been perfectly happy being single, but I made the mistake of falling in love, well we bith realized that we were a bit young to be in the relationship we were in so we decided to hold off on the whole relationship until college or something like that, im dealing with the whole missing her thing (badly i might add) but for some reason or another i can't talk to girls anymore, the ones i already know are fine and i can talk to them but i can't walk up to a girl at a party or the pool hall anymore. WTF is wrong w/ me?

Well, like, DUH. I mean, like, I AM SO SHURE. Gag me with a speeewn! You're like, totally in love or something. See honeypie, when you love someone, you don't WANT to get with other girls. Other girls may as well be wallpaper - and here you've gone and, on PURPOSE, deprived yourself of the one chick that actually makes your goat float. You made the decision, now either live with it, or get back together with your honeybuns. My boobies of fortune tell me that you won't be happy until you're back with your girlfriend. Why don't you go give her a call?

 

  Someone To Talk To

I have this problem, right. (Yeah, so does everyone else who e-mails you. Anyway...) I have a lot of friends who are trying to get me to do stuff I shouldn't, but the temptation to just relinquish me as I am and go be someone else has always been there and is always getting stronger. You see, I'm not the sort of guy a girl falls over. One of my friends in my school (I'm 16, going on 17 on the 19th of June) is chasing up six girls and is ultimately going to try and have it off with them all. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I want to be like him, but I have one or two close friends who are girls and they just seem to listen to my problems. Having female friends who actually care for you enough to listen to your drivel is something I've found to be the most intimate thing I can get right now. But the thing is, I really would like to go further with a girl (just one, thanks -- I'm not like my friend), but seeing as some (well, most) of the girls I talk to are not interested in my problems, let alone me as a person, then where am I to go? What am I to do? I just really need someone there who is mature enough to talk about my problems in a way that is beneficial to me. Should I look into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (is that more close than normal friendship?), or leave the whole romance thing for now?

The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing IS more close than a regular friendship, but it has to be -based- on friendship. Honestly though, you're going to be hard pressed to find some girl who wants to hang around and listen to you bitch the whole time. If you want a girl to listen to your problems.. er, well, hi. But any real life flesh and blood boobie carrier is going to expect some attention, some adoration, and some hootchie before she wants to sit and listen to your problems. Good luck.

 

  Paying For It

Mynx, recently I had a situation where for the first time ever I was approached by a girl asking me for money in return for sex. Yes you know what I mean... Well, struggling on a sex diet for over a year now I just couldn't resist and although I never once thought I'd actually have sex with her I thought I would at least have some fun and release some sexual tension. Anyway, we found a desserted spot out in some empty field (in the car) and we started fooling around a little. The most I did was stick my finger inside a couple of times so it was pretty safe. Most of her clients are sleazy older men she said and since I'm only 22 I must have been one of those pleasurable young guns. The problem is, not long into our foreplay session I suddenly lost all interest in sex and felt sick and dirty inside. I made her get dressed, payed her and drove her back to where I found her. All I wanted was to get the hell out of there and forget it ever happened. When I got home I washed every part of my body and I couldn't sleep all night. I was sickened by the fact that I was going to have sex with a prostitute (even though I never really was). My question is, can you tell me why I did what I did? Am I sick for letting things get that far or am I normal for waking up to myself and feeling so bad afterwards? I guess I already know the answers to these questions but I would still like to hear your expert opinion on this.

You did what you did because, quite simply, you are MALE. Jerry Seinfeld does a routine on a child's goal in life: get candy get candy get candy get candy. This becomes get sex get sex get sex get sex in adulthood. Most red blooded males you meet wouldn't turn down any kind of sex at all - even if they had to pay for it. Deny it all you want - you DID intend to jab her with the piggystick. You thought you'd fool around a little, and maybe let things get a little out of control, and after all, you could do what you wanted. Don't say a word, even if you believe your own lie, that was still your plan. But. Then you actually found yourself in that situation. Then you realized you were taking part of something that was a bit nasty, a bit shady, and more than a touch degrading. Yo mama raised you better than that, boy. So you felt a little sick. You felt so dirty and stayed up all night because you had to face what you did head on. You're not that kind of boy. Good thing you figured it out before you did something you would have REALLY regretted.

 

  Virgins, Raise Your Hands!

Oh great Mynx, I seek your wisdom to answer this dilemma. Where do you draw the line of losing one's virginity? Should I consider myself a virgin if I've both given and received oral, but never had intercourse? If that does still make me a virgin, is it like a semi-virgin, or are there any qualifiers here? I'd love to hear a little about what you think about the issue.

You're still a virgin. Until you put Tab A into Slot B, you have not lost your virginty. I don't put any qualifiers - you either are a virgin or you are not. You have indulged in foreplay, which typically leads up to intercourse - but having stopped short of that, yes, you are a virgin.

 


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